Removing the Ribbon

When we looked upon our house for the first time last summer, laying eyes upon the driveway was a particularly swoon-worthy moment (can you tell we’re adults? Swooning over driveways is what my life has become).

Isn't it breathtaking!?

Beautiful, hand laid cobblestones with a delicate strip of bright green grass in the middle beckoning guests to the carriage house. Hell, the queen of England probably doesn’t have a driveway this nice. The whole thing creates the illusion of an old English cottage cozily nestled just outside the city.

Landscape architects call this a “ribbon driveway.”

I call it stupidity at its finest.

This is what a ribbon driveway is supposed to look like.

What you see in blogs and places like Pinterest

And this is how they appear in reality. 

Yikes.

There are several problems with these stylized pathways to the garage.

• If you live in a cold weather climate (which we do), shoveling or snow blowing wreaks havoc on the grass patch. 
  
• When snow melts, it all pools into the area, leaving you with a mud bath so long, it could fit several small hippos (ok, probably just their feet, but ten of them nonetheless).
  
• It requires drivers to navigate their tires on either side of the grass. And I know I’m not the only person who screws up simply trying to maneuver their car onto the track for a car wash.

So, on a cold and cloudy Memorial Day weekend, Josh and I decided that enough was enough: the ribbon needed to go.

How To Re-Cobblestone Your Driveway

Step 1. Do not move into a house with a ribbon cobblestone driveway.
If you failed Step 1, move onto Step 2.

Step 2. Get ready to flex those muscles. First, one must dig out all the dirt and remnants of grass down far enough to lay new cobblestones. Be prepared to spend roughly 4-5 hours on this process. 

Just keep digging!

Step 3. After digging a chasm in your driveway, take a moment to enjoy the sense of accomplishment before your brain realizes the project is only HALF done. 

Wait, this wasn't the hard part?

Step 4. Lay a light layer of paving gravel or stone to set a base.

Step 5. Collect and assemble 150 - 200 cobblestones. This may require you to, get ready for it, dig them out of the garden in the back yard because, why wouldn’t they be there. Take plenty of Ibuprofen before this step as each stone weighs 20 – 30 pounds depending on the size. 

(Interesting side note: the guy that lived here before us had some major connections around Minnesota. When one of the cities decided to replace their downtown area with paved roads, the owner spent days picking up truckloads of the old, original cobblestones and stored them in the backyard. So, we have some city's old street leading up to our house- pretty cool if you ask us).
 
Step 6. Assemble stones so they lay nearly level and fill as much of the space as possible. Be prepared that since this area is not geometric, this step will be like putting together the world’s heaviest jigsaw puzzle where all the pieces look nearly identical.

Josh is in charge because my spatial reasoning prevents me from properly loading a dishwasher.

Step 7. Refrain from punching the old man up the street when he asks if you're sure you know what you're doing and, instead, smile while mumbling "nope, just making it up as I go along..."

Step 8. It’s now been eight hours. Go inside and put ice on your major extremities.

Step 9. Return to work in the morning. Finish arranging cobblestones in the open area.

 
Step 10. Fill crevices with leveling sand, taking extra precautions to ensure all holes are filled to prevent the stones from moving.

Fancy schmancy "professional" leveling sand.

Step 11. Make a surprise trip to Menards for more sand because you ran out. Curse yourself all the way there.

Step 12. Finish filling crevices with sand.

Step 13. Sit back and admire your hard work, because, let’s be honest, it kicks ass. 

Such an improvement!