The Discovery of Butt Bras (no, really)

I always get a kick out of browsing the top stories on Yahoo! before checking my email each day. There are a variety of story highlights to pique my interest: healthy foods I've never heard of, celebrities doing stuff "just like me" and travel facts on cities I may be lucky enough to visit sometime in the future. A while back, they had the headline "7 Cities About to Sink." Places like Bangkok, Venice and Shanghai are all on the list. But it's Houston's habit of extracting ground water and proximity to the Gulf of Mexico that is causing it to sink about two inches a year. 


Now, why is that random fact even worth mentioning here? Because my ass is experiencing the same phenomenon. Over the past decade, my butt cheeks have started their own descent. And their migratory pattern wasn't much of a concern until last week when I started doing jumping jacks for the first time in 17 years. 

There we are, Josh and I dressed in our sweats and lightly jogging place while Tony tells us why Core-metrics should be our favorite workout. After running in place and stretching our cold muscles so early in the morning, we begin one minute of jumping jacks. The sensation I feel as my legs go out and my hands shoot above my head is immediate horror. The first part of the move is easy, graceful as a swan. But as my feet come back together to begin another rep I feel an odd sensation.


GATHUNK. GATHUNK. GATHUNK.

Part of me wants to turn around, to confirm what I already know. It's my butt hitting the back of my thighs. It feels like a water soaked sponge attached to my lower back, and it's refusal to move upwards with the rest of my body is confusing me. I don't remember this physical sensation from my childhood. In fact, I was the fourth grade Jump Rope for Heart champion, jumping my tiny feet for nearly two hours straight and winning a bright blue windbreaker that would make MC Hammer jealous (and I mean super jealous, that jacket was righteous). It's like I need a butt bra or something to keep my bum up!!


So I went on Google and looked up "butt bra." Imagine my complete shock to find such this contraption actually exists (seriously, I'm not making this shit up). The company Bubbles Body Wear makes, not one, but SEVERAL versions of a butt bra. The one below is called the "Double O Bum Bra Brief" and enhances the shape and lift of your derriere and gives the illusion of a professional butt-lift (those are their words, not mine).

A bum bra. I'm laughing and disturbed all in the same moment. We've clearly reached another dimension of reality where a product like this can exist and make money. So as I'm scrolling through the Bubbles Body Wear online catalog, I decide that regardless of how ridiculous I feel doing jumping jacks in my living room, I'm going to stick with this crazy P90X program. No matter how many times I fall over doing Twisted Triangle during our Yoga-X workout, I'm going to get back up. And no matter how many times I want to reach through the screen and kill Tony when he announces yet another set of lunges, I will think of butt bras.  And keep right on going.